I have been experiencing a flare up of symptoms the last two weeks. It’s the longest stretch I’ve experience so far and now I’m battling a cold on top of everything else. My best friend is in a really bad depression spell and I’ve been supporting her and trying to convince her to seek help. I’ve been constantly worried about my health, my family and my friend which is very emotionally taxing. I haven’t been sleeping well either because of the pain, the cold and my racing thoughts.
Last night was especially bad for me and unfortunately, I took it out on the one person who is always there for me, my fiancé.
I was in so much pain. I couldn’t handle it anymore. I could barely use my right arm, my hands were swollen and painful. The house was messy and there were so much dishes to be done. I felt guilty because I haven’t done my part in two weeks due to a flare up in pain. I tried to pick up and make the place look a little better, but the pain immediately got to point where I burst into tears.
All my fears came to the surface. I was afraid of losing my job because I know I’ve let the productivity ball fall the last two weeks. I mean, I’ve been doing my job, it’s just that I usually give my 200% and now I just covered what had to be done, dealt with training and fixed issues, but wasn’t mine over productive self that everyone has gotten used to. Suddenly I thought I was ruining my fiancé life. I wasn’t doing my part in the partnership. We aren’t married yet, so I started thinking there’s still time for him to get out while he can. My health wasn’t that bad when we met. He hasn’t said any vows to me yet. There’s still time to get away from the disaster I have become.
I know the doctors warned me it would get worse before it got better, but part of me worries that it’s never going to get better. I felt like I was losing myself, the person I am outside of this pain. The pain got so bad that I couldn’t even undress last night, I need help to get out of my work clothes. I’m still in my 30’s. No one expects to get body pains to the point of needing help to undress in their 30’s.
My mind was in a hundred places none of which were happy. We did end up lying in bed after taking some pain pills watching a show so we could both distract ourselves with was we thought would be light and funny, but turned out to be an emotional and deep episode. It still helped. The pain pills were enough to dull just enough pain for me to fall asleep.
I feel better this morning, but I the pain is still there and the cold is more pronounced. I took pain pills again to survive the day at work thankful it’s Friday and that we don’t have the kids this weekend or any plans other than taking care of ourselves. It is greatly needed.
Can anyone relate?