I am angry. It seems that since my diagnosis things have actually been worst instead of better. I am getting half answers, half hopes. I feel confused and lost, questioning my own body and mind. Even the experts taking care of me stick to vague answers. The truth is there is no cure, there are no definitive answers, only educated guesses.
It seems no amount of acceptance or coming to terms with where my health and body is at will ever make that anger go away. It might make it all easier to deal with, but the anger is still there underneath it all. It’s so frustrating and heartbreaking. I feel afraid of my future and the challenges ahead. I’m afraid of things getting even worst than they already are. I’m afraid of loosing everything I worked for and everyone I love.
I want to feel healthy, I want to feel well. I want to be able to do stuff I used to. I miss walks in nature, which were as important as breathing to me. I miss independence and productivity. I miss waking up without wondering if I will be able to get through the day without shedding tears (I failed today).