Why “Just Say No” doesn’t work

Why “Just Say No” doesn’t work

I google a “woman says no” and the entire first page of search results was all about how “no” means “yes”. When a woman tells you no, that is the end of the conversation. It does not continue. You don’t find a loophole or think it just means you’ve got to try a little harder.

If a woman makes it clear that she is not interested, you should immediately respect it and back off. Unfortunately, too often this is not what happens. Partially, because men are bombarded with advice stating that women play games and don’t mean it when they say no.

woman-1822679_1920I was approached by an unknown man walking to class in University. I turned him down, saying I wasn’t interested, but he persisted, blocking my way so I couldn’t get away from him. I explained that I was already in a serious relationship with 3 kids and that still didn’t stop him. He was so preoccupied with his own wants, his own desires, that he completely disregarded my comfort level. He didn’t take into account what I wanted, despite being very clear about them.  He wanted me to leave them for him. Only after I threaten legal repercussion did he let me go, shouting all kind of obscenities and calling me a tease and a whore and many other things.

Although many such runs in are simply awkward and annoying, it is incredibly disturbing to realise that it has become increasingly dangerous for a woman to turn a man down.

A woman was shot dead after rejecting a man’s advances at a bar. Investigators said McKinney attempted to talk to Talton-Jackson inside a bar but she declined. McKinney then followed her outside and shot her. That wasn’t what he wanted to hear, so he murdered her. He responded to her rejection by shooting her.

Maybe most men wouldn’t do something like this. The problem is that we have no way of knowing which group any given man falls into. We can’t blindly trust that the stranger standing in front of us is a stand-up guy.

girl-1787357_1920A woman is approached by a complete stranger on the street. She says no and he responds with violence. Example 1. A 49-year-old woman was approached on the street of San Francisco one evening by a stranger who asked her on a date. She said no. The man punched her twice in the face, causing her to lose consciousness. Example 2. A woman, Raelynn Vincent, was walking home from her boyfriend’s house on a Saturday night when a stranger pulled up next to her in his car and began catcalling her. She ignored him. The stranger stopped his car, got out and punched her in the face, knocking her to the ground and breaking her jaw. Example 3. Brandon M. Tape punched a woman repeatedly in the face after she refused his sexual advances.

A woman says no, we work together, but I’m not interested in your romantically, and a man shoots her death whilst she’s working. Example 1. Christopher O’Kroley said it was easy to kill Caroline Nosal, his coworker at the grocery store. He wanted more from their relationship and she turned him down, so he killed her. Example 2. Adian Loya killed Lisa Trubnikova, a homosexual, married coworker who repeatedly turned him down. He killed both Lisa and her wife.

More and more men would sooner take a life than taking no for an answer.

adult-2178963_1920A woman says no, not tonight, to her husband and he kills her. Norminah Bollok was murdered by her husband after refusing to have sex with him.

A woman says no, I want a divorce or breakup, and a man responds by murdering her. Example 1. Elena Moore was fatally stabbed in her own home by her ex-boyfriend. They were both teenagers. Example 2. Shana Grice was murdered after breaking up with her boyfriend.

It’s difficult to determine precisely how many women have been attacked on the basis of rejection, but the accounts that make it on the news are growing. May gender base violence are not reported, so it’s difficult to see the whole picture. But the sheer amount of women attacked for saying no illustrates the naivete of those who demand that we say “no thank you” instead of putting our own safety first and foremost.

Guys, if a woman lies to you instead of turning you down to your face, it’s almost never a slight against you. We’re just watching our backs.


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