I’m not okay. I never am. Only a few people really know me. The strong, confident person you see is all an act. I’m scared every day of what will happen next. What you see is me trying to appear as normal as possible.
There are times I hate being alive. I don’t want to kill myself, but I just no longer want to exist. I feel like I’m in an endless circle of pain. I try to stay upbeat because I don’t want to bring you down, because I don’t want to lose my job, because I don’t want to worry the people who love me, because I’m tired of explaining my invisible illness. I don’t want people to judge me by my illness, but the person that I am.
I just want the energy to live a semi normal life.
I wish there was a way for people (including my doctor) to understand what it’s like being me. I don’t want your pity or sympathy, I just want understanding.