What I’m not saying about my illness
“Please try not to judge how someone is dealing with a pain you have not experienced.” – Unknown
Just because I trudge forward to get things done doesn’t mean I’m okay. In truth, I’m not okay. Do you know how much strength and effort it takes to fight when you already feel defeated? Do you know the energy it takes to look normal? Sometimes I am in so much pain I want to cry with every breath. Sometimes I am so exhausted, it takes everything I have just to stay awake.
“You always have to carry on and you can, because you have to.” – Kate Winslet
My fake smiles might make other people feel better, but that’s about all they do.
I might be overcoming the obstacles and refusing to let the illness beat me, but that doesn’t mean I’m okay. I keep going forward because there’s really no other choice. I have a family that counts on me. I job I need to keep to stay financially afloat. Sometimes, the pain gets so bad that it influences my dreams. Last night, I dreamt that my workplace was going under and that I was relieved because it meant I could go on unemployment and have a few days off to take care of me.
I’m simply trying my best to deal with my illness and still live my daily life the only way I know how. I am trying to concentrate on the positive and get excited about the small things. When I reflect on my resilience over the past year, I am amazed.
“She’s strong but she’s exhausted.” – r.h. Sin
I just ask that you do not mistake my good days for being ‘able, cured, getting better,’ etc. When people get excited for me and declare me healed, it breaks my heart to have to explain that what I have is incurable. No, not every illness has a cure. Yes, I’m working with a team of doctors to learn how to manage my illnesses and get back a minimum quality of life, but we are far from that moment yet.
“Sometimes when I say “I’m okay” I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight and say “I know you’re not.” – Unknown