In the beginning of a romantic relationship, the toxic people put you through an idealisation phase (putting you on a pedestal) until you’re sufficiently hooked and invested in beginning a friendship or relationship with you. Then, they begin to devalue you while insulting the very things they admired in the first place.

What is idealisation?

Idealisation consist of attributing overly positive qualities to someone.

beach-1850728_1920The toxic person will shower their new love with praise, courting, intense sex, vacations, promises of a future together. They treat you as the most special person ever. The emotional high can feel like a drug cocktail.When you are one the receiving end of such a romantic relationship, you feel valued, loved. You feel like you have found your soulmate and you can’t believe your good fortune. It’s very seductive.

What is devaluation? 

Idealisation consist of attributing overly negative qualities to someone.

girl-517555_1920After the honeymoon period, the toxic person start feeling that their love is loosing lustre. It happens gradually. You will still be showered with praise, but they will come with a negative nuance. “You are so beautiful, but it would be even better if you wore a different shade of lipstick.” Not wanting the pedestal feeling to go away, you will naturally change shades of lipstick and that’s when the psychological abuse starts without you even realising it.

The devaluation process will continue until you start feeling completely flawed, worthless.

Eventually, the toxic person will throw you away and go after a new target, resuming the cycle of abuse.